Let’s see, what’s new… I’m currently in one of those phases where I feel as though everything needs to change. Or at least my job, my activities and my health. One of those times when my brain is constantly being pulled in at least a dozen different directions, leaving me fairly motionless in the middle of it all, never accomplishing anything in the end. Rather than choose a path, I’m overwhelmed with conflict and anxiety. What should I be doing? What’s most important? Do I need to do A in order to accomplish B? And it goes on and on while I watch everyone around me moving and changing and doing.

Will I ever find a job that leaves me feeling fulfilled at the end of the day? Will I ever find an exercise regimen I can stick to? Will I ever break the anxiety cycle and feel energized when I start my day, ready to conquer the world? These are all good questions, ones I’ve been trying to answer for the past several years. I’m hoping to actually find the answers one day. I just don’t know how soon that will be.

For now, I make a tentative promise to you that, now that we’ve set up the desktop computer in the less-secluded, more-spacious dining room, I will try to post here again. Don’t laugh if it ends up being attempts at short stories or random fiction—I got tired of writing self-involved woe-is-me stories a long time ago, and while I know that will still come out once in a while (as it did above) I’d like to think I have more potential than that, more to give.

So, here goes…

But I’m unhappy. Not because I hate the company or the job, but because of the stress, because I ultimately don’t feel as though I’m making a difference where I am. Anyone could do what I do here, or be trained to do it in less than 8 weeks. It’s not challenging me or stretching me, and with the massive workload on my back all the time, I don’t think there ever will be time for stretching or challenging.

I love animals. Longer than I’ve written or coded, I’ve loved dogs, cats, sea turtles, manatees, rabbits and Guinea pigs. I’ve never had a pet of my own (other than a hermit crab and fish) longer than a week, but that doesn’t mean I don’t embrace the animal kingdom—it means my ability to commit sucks, and I’m eternally afraid of doing a bad job of being a parent. But I’ve loved my sister’s dogs, my boyfriend’s cats and a lot of other vicariously owned pets.

I’m a nurturer by nature, and my simultaneous love of animals makes me think I should change my career path and head toward veterinary medicine. So I’ve been looking into that field for a time now, weighing my options, wondering which door to take, if any. I could be a veterinary technician, a veterinary technologist (not much different) or a veterinarian. (Veterinary assistants are in there, too, but that’s more a volunteer-type position than a real job.)

But each door seems to be stuck just a little. Some of that stickiness comes from the fact that I have a good job, one that I’m supposed to like and excel at, with a company that’s strong. But the rest comes from different sources. The veterinary technician/technologist door is stuck on a big ol’ rock with a dollar sign on it. The estimated salary of a vet tech of either variety is $19k-$35k/year. Now, of course that varies state to state, based on cost of living, but that’s still drastically lower than what I make now. And while I know that money isn’t everything, especially if you’re doing what you love, it’s something, and can be a lot if your significant other wants to start his own business someday. But the veterinarian door is stuck on a chunk of education. While I have my bachelor’s, very few classes I took would work toward a veterinary medicine degree. I’d basically have to start with a second bachelor’s in biological or animal science, then pursue my Doctor of Veterinary Medicine degree. DVM programs are scarce, and their acceptance rates are frighteningly low, with fewer than 3,000 students admitted each year, and more than 10,000 applying. The field is growing, as are the salaries, but education is hard to come by. I graduated from Michigan State with a 3.5, not a 4.0. I wasn’t much of a studier. They say vet school is harder than med school because there are so many different animal species and just one human. I just don’t know if I’m capable of doing that.

So, which block do I push aside? Or do I push any? I asked a while back if it made more sense to keep journalism/computers as my career and animals as my hobby/volunteering outlet. But I don’t know. My job is so much of what I do. Maybe not who I am, but what I do. And if I’m unhappy with it, or feel as though it’s not making a difference in the way I want it to, I don’t want to be spending all that time and energy on it.

I know I can always go back to being a content shuffler, a front-end coder or a writer and editor. It may seem odd to potential bosses if my résumé has a big blob of veterinary work in the middle of it, but if I ultimately want to work for or with animals, that may be to my advantage in future career pursuits.

My main issue, if I want to kick aside the money clod, is that it would require a move sometime in the near future. Which would mean quitting my job and Bryan quitting his job. And we’d have to move halfway across the country (or at least to the other side of the state) for me to pursue it. And being in school + part-time work + Bryan looking for a job himself = living off savings and struggling. I know we can do it, and that we’ve both been very lucky so far in the financial arenas, but it’s scary nonetheless.

And wherever I go to school, I need to be doing the right things to get there: observing at veterinary clinics, taking the right biology and chemistry courses, applying in time, taking entrance exams, etc. Because I don’t want to drop the ball anywhere along the way. As I’ve gotten older, it seems as though academic advisers have gotten less and less helpful, because they know I’m not some dim-witted freshman straight out of high school. But I do feel like one at times. Times like right now.

So, do I step into being a vet tech, leap into being a veterinarian or stay where I am now? I’m still undecided. And just thinking about it all both intimidates and excites me. I just hope I will get some clarity of mind on the issue soon so I can stop worrying and start planning for my future. I don’t want to wait and regret it later. I want to pick the right path for me now.

(This sounds like the start to some sort of parable, doesn’t it? It’s not. Well, not really anyway.)

All three men had their lines in the water, and, as I watched from the bank, the line closest to the boat’s motor sprang to life. The line’s owner tugged and tweaked it, then hoisted the dripping fish from the water. It wasn’t huge, but big enough that the middle man opened the boat’s storage container before the hook was even out of the fish’s mouth. The catcher removed the hook and tossed the fish into the bin, turning back to the motor before the middle man had even dropped the lid.

Without pause, the man baited his hook again and slung it back into the water. I stared for a moment and wondered what happened to the fanfare. Isn’t a person supposed to celebrate a success like catching a fish on a relatively quiet fishing day? None of the other lines were wiggling, so it seemed like it might be worth a little revelry. But none of the men reacted, and the motion of it all was so fluid, it was as if it never happened – I wouldn’t have realized it had if I’d blinked a little longer than usual.

If I ever caught a fish or shot a duck, I would celebrate. (Of course, I wouldn’t do either of those things, because it’s not who I am, but we’re speaking hypothetically here.) I would take a few moments, examine my quarry and be so excited about my accomplishment. Maybe after years of catching fish, the sparkle of another tug on the line has faded. But I imagine, even those who live off the land, who catch a hundred fish a week to feed their families, still pause to reflect each time, if for no other reason than to show respect for the life sacrificed to save another. I think it’s that link to the earth that these men, and many others, have lost sight of.

I respect people’s interests, and their desire to pursue game of all shapes and sizes, but I can’t respect people who don’t respect the animals they hunt, kill and consume. Maybe you don’t believe a fish has feelings, friends or family, but he’s part of the circle of life, of the earth you live in, of a bigger picture than just your boat, your line, your day at the lake. Respect that and the earth will respect you.

I went to Memphis’ Minglewood Hall to see The Avett Brothers in concert Thursday night. It was a band I’d heard and liked in passing, that graces my Pandora stations on a regular basis. But I can sing along to only one song.

Several local Twitter folks mentioned they’d be attending the show, and though I had no one to walk in the door with, the cheap tickets and desire to see a great band live won me over.

I pow-wowed over coffee with a coworker beforehand at Otherlands, getting a pep talk that encouraged me to “strut” when I arrived at Minglewood, seek out the Twitter friends, show them who I really was and just how cool. I won’t say I strutted, but I was tracked down by two of the nicest Twitter kids out there, who just happen to be engaged to one another.

The show was the best I’ve ever attended, by far. The opening act, Samantha Crain and the Midnight Shivers, was more than enough to get me primed for the Avetts, replete with hot harmonica playing and energetic guitar strumming. I ended up purchasing one of their albums, since the Avetts are more easily found on the Internet.

But the main event was just… beyond words, really. I’ve liked the few Avett songs I’ve heard over the past year, but their live performance is leaps and bounds beyond that. They are everywhere at once, switching up instruments and singing so clear, so beautifully, I was blown away. They did sing St. Joseph’s, which is the one I can sing, so I was happy for that bit of familiarity.

They also sang a new one called January Wedding, which almost had me in tears. It was so sweet, so poignant, so simple about falling in love, having it feel just right without trying, knowing it will all work out. I’ve never felt that way myself. Every relationship has felt like a struggle. And sometimes it was because the spark wasn’t there, because we were trying to force something that just wasn’t going to happen. But often it was because I wasn’t OK myself, because I was forcing MYSELF to be something I wasn’t, to be perfect and beautiful and fun, when I just couldn’t be without wearing myself out from the stress of it all.

The Avett concert worked to lift my spirits quite a bit. To be around new people, to hear great music, to be inspired by the whole event – I’m so glad I went. It’s something I need to keep doing, to stretch my boundaries and live my life. I look forward to the next show.