March 04, 2013 ~ Comments Off

self-consciousness

The dangerous thing about being extremely self-conscious is the moment you realize you’re the only one who actually gives a shit about you. It’s so easy to get swept up in the anxiety of how you look, how you’re acting, how awkward you were or how stupid you sounded. But, really, you’re the only one who noticed. Or at least you’re the only one who cares now, several days after the fact.

It’s dangerous because it reminds you you are utterly alone. And when you’re a self-conscious person, that’s either a terrifying realization or another step down into the abyss.

February 08, 2013 ~ 1 Comment

heart asplosion

The following has been true this week:

  • I have not slept more than 5.5 hours in a single night.
  • I have gone kickboxing twice.
  • I have not eaten meat since Sunday.
  • This is what I HAVE eaten (since Monday): 3 helpings of homemade hummus; 3 whole-wheat bagels; 20 baby carrots; 2 granola bars; 3 pieces of cheese; 1 bottle of mango juice; 1/2 smoothie made from various fruits, kefir and carrot juice; 2 tomato-and-mozzarella half-paninis; 1 half Caesar salad; 2 bites of a whole-wheat baguette; and 1/2 cup of corn chowder
  • I did not feel like eating any of the above.
  • My heart rate has not been below 90 and has often felt fluttery and inconsistent.

Moral? When you have spent a week similar to the above, and need to make it through a Friday-afternoon meeting, no matter what your brain says, no matter what seems to make sense, ESPRESSO IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.

This has been a public service announcement from the OHMYGODWHATWASTHATNOISE? Awareness Association.

February 08, 2013 ~ Comments Off

Friday wins

In spite of all the self-encouragement on my blog this week, I’m still trying to get past some really big mental and emotional hurdles. I think sometimes I’m not up front, even in a venue like this, because it’s hard to admit I’m struggling. Instead, I prefer to be overly enthusiastic about future ventures. Maybe that’s a good thing, rather than allowing oneself to get stuck in the mire of a few bad days.

But for the first time all week, I feel like I’ve had a few wins this morning. The main one being that I left a message with a therapist’s office to see if she’s accepting new patients. That’s obviously only one very minuscule first step in a much bigger process, and it may ultimately lead to failure, but I’m trying and that’s something.

If I didn’t have a marathon meeting scheduled for the entire afternoon, I’d be all over going home and sleeping straight through to Saturday. I just have to keep reminding myself that the way I feel today – the bad parts, anyway – are just a blip. Nothing more. And I’ll wake up tomorrow smiling.

February 07, 2013 ~ Comments Off

a me I don’t remember

It’s not uncommon for people to forget things they’ve said or done over the years, but I used to be better than most at remembering every single detail, telling other people’s stories for them as if I’d lived them myself and surprising people with heartfelt retellings of our friendship from many years earlier.

But since about 2008, my memory has gotten significantly worse. Blame it on those nights of karaoke and Long Island iced teas the summer after I graduated college. Or maybe all the chemicals in diet soda. Either way, it’s worrisome, losing entire stretches of your life to the blankness of time and space.

This came to mind earlier this evening, when I started perusing the blog posts I’d marked as “private,” spanning the years up to 2009. I have to assume I just mass-labeled them that, because a lot them don’t make sense as being something I’d hide (see “absolutely no pork” below). But others were like reading about someone else’s life entirely. I was on a trivia team? I hung out with Brett from work and we got coffee? I wrote post titles like “dimly on a Friday evening”?

I thought I’d share some of the entries I unearthed today that deserve to be declassified:

  • a window to your life. – My apparent love for Twitter, stemming from a DM conversation with a girl I’ve still yet to meet in real life
  • presenting pete – An introduction to Bryan’s dearly departed orange marmalade cat, who passed away within two months of our meeting (inspiring the subsequent post, RIP Pete)
  • more levitt shell – Photos from my first visit to the Levitt Shell Summer Concert Series, accompanied by a bevy of male coworkers and Bryan, the first week we met
  • dimly on a Friday evening – Some reveling on my first month of dating Bryan, as well as other life bits
  • absolutely no pork – In which I outline the items you’re not allowed to mail to the troops in Afghanistan
  • a tribute to team trivia – An oddly heartfelt post about doing bar trivia with my coworkers and the bond between same-bar teams who are usually competitors
  • when she bars the door and strikes a match – About a year after I moved to Memphis, I went back home to Michigan for a visit and sorted through the mountains of crap I’d left behind at my mom’s. I uncovered so. much. stuff. I even admitted that some of it was other people’s memories.

February 07, 2013 ~ Comments Off

10 lbs.

It feels really fucking good to have lost 10 pounds since Christmas. Of course, it’s most likely the diet of bread, bananas, rice, applesauce and water I subsisted on for several weeks while sick. But maybe a little bit sweating it out at four kickboxing sessions (so far). Either way, though, it’s like my body sighing with relief, like, “Dude, if you would just move on occasion, and maybe not shove food in your face even when you’re not actually hungry, we could’ve gotten here a LOT sooner.”

199 is my next milestone. It doesn’t mean a whole lot in the grand scheme of things, since I don’t look like I weigh 213 pounds, but it would be nice to have a “1″ up front, and keep it there. Even in my best shape, I was only down to 185, but I’m fine with somewhere in between.